WCAX.COM Local Vermont News, Weather and Sports-Happily Ever After, Part 3

Happily Ever After, Part 3

Burlington, Vermont - September 2, 2009

On the day you say I do there's usually family, flowers and forever. But any married couple will tell you-- it's not always a fairy tale.

"Marriage is hard," said Jennifer Ladue of Underhill, who has been married for five years. "When you go into it you think it's going to be easy-- like hey, we are going to get married, we are in love-- and it takes a lot of work, a lot of work."

"It's not all a bed of roses," said Judy Keller, who has been married for 35 years.

"There will be hard times," agreed her husband Ed.

Warren Glore of Shelburne has been married for 25 years.

"You have to work at it and if you don't work at it-- it doesn't work," he said.

Asked about the top reasons couples come in to see her, Dr. Diane Gottlieb replied, "The stated reason is fighting, poor communications, infidelity, affairs."

Gottlieb is a family counselor with four decades of experience.

"The hardest thing about fixing a marriage is that people come in ready to blame the other person and want the other person to change," Gottlieb said.

Gottlieb says both people have to be committed to making it work; carving time out of busy schedules for each other. Also coming into the relationship strong on your own helps.

"One of the dangers in couples is the belief that the other person will make me happy instead of I'm happy, he or she is happy and we're bringing some of that joy to the couple," Gottlieb said.

Every marriage has arguments but it's how you deal with them that seems to matter. Gottlieb says when she fights with her husband they are honest, try to be respectful and once they've each stated their main disagreement a few times and neither is giving in they call a truce and to seal it-- actually say friends out loud. She often reminds couples to remember why they first fell in love.

"Because we can go out with anyone one time but if we are interested in going out with somebody a second time there must be something they are interested in that person about," Gottlieb said. "And then usually people remember what it was that attracted them in the first place to that person."

Reporter Kristin Carlson: After all you have seen and heard as a counselor, do you still think marriage is a good institution?

Gottlieb: I personally do. I've been married 41 years.

Several people interviewed for this marriage series have enjoyed long relationships.

Carlson: What do you think makes a successful marriage?

Rev. Adrianne Carr/Married 37 years: I think that people really appreciate each other. They respect each other, they honor each other and they honor what's strong as well as what's not so strong.

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Carlson: Not to get too personal, but you have been married for 41 years.

Dr. Vincent Bolduc/St. Michaels College Sociologist: That's right.

Carlson: What's worked for you?

Bolduc: I don't know everything. We've been lucky, we've worked hard. She was my high school sweetheart. It's been great.

Ask enough happily married people for tips and there are common threads.

"You don't stand there and argue," Ed Keller advised. "If you disagree, disagree and walk away and you let it calm down and you talk about it. Never go at it when you are upset or angry."

"Communication," said Anastasia Richmond of Jericho, who has been married for three years. "We communicate, we try to work it out the best we can and not fight and yell and argue."

"Putting yourself in the other person's shoes instead of thinking about yourself," Richard Ladue said. "If you put yourself in their shoes and try to see their viewpoint it usually works out. You are like OK, that is what is going on. Instead of just concentrating on what you want and you want to do."

"Space and you have to actually pay attention to what the other person wants-- which is a lot easier to say than actually to do," Glore said.

"And never go to bed without saying I love you," Judy Keller said. "If it's been bad during the day, it's I love you at night. Thirty-five years and we've never gone to bed mad at each other."

When a person gets married - they often look to their own parents as a model. If your parents are still married on their first spouse, federal statistics show you have a lower likelihood of getting divorced; 38 percent compared to 52 percent if your parents are divorced.

What about people who ask why go through a wedding ceremony if the relationship is working?

Experts say a wedding can help a relationship because it is a public statement about commitment. Plus a ceremony gives people the chance to show support and a relationship backed by family and friends is more likely to make it.

Kristin Carlson - WCAX News

Related Stories:

Happily Ever After, Part 1

Happily Ever After, Part 2